Civilization II
by cswike
Summary: Written ages ago. Looking back on it it's terribly derivative, I see a lot of Douglas Adams in Chapter 2. Maybe I'll fix it up eventually...
1. Episode IV: A New Hopeless Project

Czar Marko Ilyich Pedachenko sighed. The incredible task of ruling the Russian empire was taking its toll upon his soul ("Hey!" he thought. "That rhymes!"). The citizens of Moskva, Kyïv, Sankt-Peterburg, Sevastopol', and even his hometown, Novozybkoy, were growing unruly. They felt that his rule was far too harsh, and now Pedachenko lived in fear of a revolution like the one that had brought him to power. Now that he thought of it, he hadn't done much anyway; he'd done nothing but goof off in his short career as a czar. Did he want to be remembered as the worthless ruler, who everyone hated until his death? "I'm not ready to go yet!" he cried to the only one who would listen- the wall.  
  
Suddenly, there was a great crash outside. It sounded like someone had broken down the door! Before Marko Ilyich could move, a large horde of angry Russians gathered around, yelling in protest. "More rights to us! End this evil empire!" they yelled, brandishing sharp implements at the terrified monarch. Pedachenko was forced, at knifepoint, to sign a document giving Russian people the right to vote, elect leaders, and govern themselves. The throng agreed, rather grudgingly, to leave Pedachenko in control of the "nation" (it wasn't an "empire" anymore) for one year while the elections were organized. And with that, the crowd promptly left, now chattering eagerly and with anticipation.  
  
Pedachenko slumped in his chair, dejection written upon his face. One year, he thought glumly. One year to make a name for myself, and then it's over, all over. "No more fooling around from now on," he resolved. "I'm going to do something, something so great that I'll be remembered forever. I know!" he exclaimed. "I know exactly what to do! I'll get the all-time highest score in Tetris!"  
  
Eventually, after much persuading, Pedachenko's advisers managed to derail this idea, and Marko Ilyich decided that he would build a great Spaceship, and Russia would be the first nation to colonize Alpha Centauri. All the greatest scholars of the day told Pedachenko that Earth was the only planet that people could live on. "The Earth is the only heavenly mass suitable for habitation," they would say. Pedachenko, who wasn't all that bright, just stared with a dull look on his face until the scholars walked away, grumbling.  
  
Russia was a very poor and technologically basic nation, so Pedachenko pleaded to friends of the beleaguered land for money and technology, sometimes even threatening war (despite the fact that Russia had no army at the time). Finally, the Spanish King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella agreed to give him three ships. Oh! Wait a minute, wrong story. Forget that last bit. The Aztec ruler Montezuma took pity upon the pathetic country and gave them what they needed to build a spaceship. When he had the necessary resources, the czar attempted to rally the ill-tempered municipalities to build a giant Spaceship, to be built by all the cities, but to be housed in the capital city of Moskva until launch. Remarkably, the ruler was successful, and all Russian cities abandoned their usual activities to work on the Spaceship.  
  
  
  
To Be Continued At A Later Date (whenever I decide to stop playing Zelda) 


	2. Episode VI: The Return of the Fungi

Everyone was very excited. The Great Russian Spaceship was almost finished. It was a sorry-looking piece of junk, but not just any piece of junk. This was the piece of junk, the one upon which all their hopes and dreams would rest. This hunk of junk was Russia's path to a better existence, one in which the whole world would grow to fear the unstoppable power of the czar! Bwah-hah-hah-hah-hah! ("Hey! I'm writing this story, not you Marko! Go away!" "Oh, okay. Sorry.") Anyway, this giant hunk of junk was Russia's path to national prestige. The czar pronounced, "This spaceship shall go forth, and deliver Russian Cosmo-people where no Russian Cosmo-person has gone before!" and the people groaned at this most glorious of announcements. And then the people did feast in honor of their leader's great proclamation.  
  
Two years, three months, 27 days, 7 hours, 43 minutes, and 21 seconds later, on February 28th, 2050, the last piece of the spaceship puzzle was put together. It stood there on the launch pad, and many who witnessed the momentous occasion were sufficiently moved to cry out, "What a piece of junk!"  
  
It was true. Many years and several teams of aesthetic experts later, the ship still looked like a hunk of junk. Every expert who had failed to please the czar was shot, until one day, while out looking for more recruits, Pedachenko found that there were simply no more aesthetics experts to be found. Knowing this, he gave up, and the ship remained a piece of junk.  
  
The ship was ready for launch. The Great Countdown began for the launching of the Great Russian Spaceship, which had been dubbed the "G.R.S. Hunkajunk." The official started the countdown at 2 years, 3 months, 27 days, 7 hours, 43 minutes, and 21 seconds, in honor of the time taken to finish the ship after the czar's proclamation.  
  
2 years, 3 months, 27 days, 7 hours, 43 minutes, and 21 seconds later, the ship was launched. By then, the czar was dead, killed by a sane assassin who ranted and raved that everyone else was insane. This was true, but no one would acknowledge it, so the man was shot. A new czar calmly ascended the political ladder all the way to the top, despite the fact that several rungs had broken off since the last time Pedachenko had tried to climb, as part of a weight-loss program. (He fell off, and promptly had his exercise consultant shot.) This man's name was Leader. His full name was Russian Leader. (When interviewed, his family claimed that they had always known he would grow up to be the Russian leader. Then, they admitted he always had been.)  
  
The ship was launched, with 103 Cosmo-people aboard. (How did they get that number, you ask? Simple. 2+3+27+7+43+21=103) Great spheres of flame spurted out from the engines-one of the only things accomplished by the aesthetic experts was to reject the traditional cone of flame utilized by most spaceships, in favor of a more aesthetically pleasing sphere of flame. Pedachenko had one look at it, and the experts were shot. No one could reverse their engineering feat, however, so the spheres remained.  
  
The ship catapulted into the sky, up, up and away. Everyone stared after it. Finally, someone yelled out, "How do we know if it gets there or not?"  
  
By sheer dumb luck, a camera had been attached to the Hunkajunk. Everyone could watch the spaceship, day by day. It became a national obsession, peeking in on the lives of these poor Cosmo-people. Of course, the Cosmo- people didn't know the camera was there. One day…well, let's just say there are both male and female Cosmo-people, and leave it at that. You know what I mean (wink, wink). After that, the camera was reserved for government use only. Through the camera, the government was able to witness the landing of the Hunkajunk, 4 years, 7 months, 24 days, 15 hours, 26 minutes, and 42 seconds after launch. By sheer coincidence, this was exactly twice the amount of time it took to finish the Hunkajunk after the czar's proclamation. Russian Cosmo-people stepped onto the surface of one of Alpha Centauri's planets, where they found a German flag. Though they did not know it, this was because they were too late-the Germans had already reached and colonized Alpha Centauri in 1999-57 years earlier. Of course, they didn't know this, and they pranced around in glee, claiming all the eye could see for the great state of Russia and its benevolent Russian Leader. The Germans were watching, but they didn't really care. Their revenge would come when the Russians realized two things: first, that they were in the middle of a desert covering a whole hemisphere of the planet; second, that their spaceship had no more fuel. 


End file.
